on first loves,crushes and self-reflection

a few weeks I was at this convention and there were a lot of breaking-the-ice games,in one of them, I was asked about my first love and I talked about this boy I knew, who was the closest I’ve felt and it was more of a HOLY SHIT SOMEONE LIKES THE SAME BIZARRO CRAP I DO. although he was really cute. but like they said in “500 days of summer” just cause someone does it does not mean they’re right for you. turns out we had similar tastes but wildly different personalities,values, etc.

I supposed it was some kind of love, since it made me do strange things and it made me feel things. it was a very dramatic time. but hey, small town,not much to do, gotta fill the time somehow. HS was full of drama. sometimes I wonder if the reason why is boredom.

I remember I had a quite a few  crushes. some I literally talked myself into as a way to amuse me. I also went on a few dates, and played games,  but nothing really worked out,or lasted. a few weeks’ flirtation, sneaking kisses in dark corners, or long chats usually under the influence… it worked as a distraction I guess, but nothing really made me feel much. and I knew this, I knew it didn’t feel real but I did it anyway. I  never really tried very hard because nothing felt real. I figured, one day it would and then I’d try for real.

I do admit I’ve always been afraid to gamble with my heart so I haven’t made much of an effort.

there were girls I liked back then, I know that now, but I didn’t then. I knew I enjoyed their company and wanted to be around them, but I never liked them the way I liked boys. boys were kept at arm’s length, girls were important and I wanted to know them and be part of their lives,be important to them.

Then I left HS and I have not seen a lot of people from that time  for longer than a few minutes, except for my close friends.

and I haven’t had a lot of big crushes.

There was my best friend, who I met my first day and who was essential in keeping me entertained and surrounded by people, alcohol and drama. I knew I liked him but I wasn’t sure how cause it wasn’t a a real kind of like. I thought he was cute but also I cared about him. we talked a lot, we spent a lot of time together even if 90% of that time was spent arguing, which I enjoyed,really. everyone at school thought we were in love or that we were together and there were a lot of jokes.

but while he’s great and awesome and I do love him, I never really fancied him. We’re not as close these days, we’re both busy and he’s found himself a girlfriend. she’s pretty awesome,too. now we’ve both grown up and we talk more and argue less, and it’s really good that this friendship has survived.

when I was a teen, I thought myself asexual so I learned to appreciate friendships. I don’t really think that anymore but I still remember that. the importance of friendships. but these days I also wonder about romantic love because it seems important. falling,being in love and the seemingly inevitable heartbreak all seem like essential components of the human experience.

your first love and your first heartbreak seem to be very important mountains to conquer in the coming of age process.
and maybe it’s because I’ve been conditioned this way, but sometimes it feels like you aren’t completely human if you haven’t experienced it.

part of the reason why I’ve never gone for someone is that I’ve never felt all that strongly towards anyone and I’ve always thought that whenever I did, I would. I do remember teen me thought she wouldn’t care if said person was a boy or a girl. that when I really fancied someone, I wouldn’t care about their gender. that still holds true, but I’ve also learned it’s more complicated than that.  that there are a lot of different ways to feel about a person. and sometimes it’s hard to tell what your feelings are exactly.

do I like them as a friend or in a romantic way? sometimes you really like someone and it’s hard to tell if you want to be like them or be with them. or even if it’s something you want to pursue.

I’ve had a couple other crushes from uni. one was a girl who was very different, very, i don’t know, mainstream. she had mainstream tastes I guess. I’m not even sure why I liked her.she was also very straight.

then there’s this other girl who’s pretty weird, and a lot of fun, so I understand why I like her, and she says she’s straight but I often wonder…but I also have to work with her so I don’t really wanna push it. I try to keep my crush contained.

I’ve met people who I wish I could like cause they seemed perfect for me but while they were perfectly nice…the chemistry wasn’t there.

I’ve been doing some self reflection,some soul-searching, I guess, I always try to be self-aware, as tyrion says, know what you are and it can never be used against you.

I know I can be stubborn and competitive, at least when I really care but I know when I don’t care, there is no way to make me care.

I don’t really do middle grounds, I guess.

I know I like people who argue with me. It’s definitely a thing.

I met a boy a couple of weeks ago and I liked his energy, and how he seemed a bit crazy and quick-witted and all of those are definitely things that draw me to people.

It’s good, I finally feel I am growing up because I have stopped knowing what I don’t want, what I don’t like and started figuring out what I do like and want.

but I haven’t figured out my life yet, I haven’t found my nakama yet. well, there’s a few people I know I definitely want in my life forever.

There’s a lot of things I haven’t done yet. that I want to do.
and coming back to the point,one of them is falling in love. which seems scary as hell because just the thought of some kind of commitment or relationship just terrifies me, to be honest.

there’s very little that terrifies me as much as people, to be honest.



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