I’ve always had problem with school. not learning, I love that, and I do it a lot on my own, but I don’t really into the mold of formal education.I always feel as they say, as a fish being asked to climb a tree.
I know I’m clever and I can work hard and be useful, and I just want to be somewhere where I can use my abilities, where what matters are results, not how you got there, so I can’t stop feeling bad because I am trying to be like everyone else and failing.
That’s why I don’t like school. they are trying to mold us into (in my case) what they think a good teacher should be and it’s all very square, the way they go about it.
my brain works differently so I try to adapt and it doesn’t work and I end up failing and all teachers can say is that I should work harder so that just leaves me feeling inferior, that I can’t express myself properly, that my efforts go completely ignored, and it’s how I’ve felt in standardized school my entire life.
but when I’ve worked in other places, like FICV or Techo, they didn’t care how you did it, they told you to do it, explain it carefully so you’d know exactly what to do, (at least you could ask them to) and then left you to your own devices. and in return I was able to work in a way that wasn’t completely frustrating and I was able to do good work.
and everybody won.
while uni has proven to be nothing more than an endless circle of frustation and confusion.
I’m not saying school is bad. their methods work for most people. but I am not most people.
problems at schools is kinda standard for the neuro-diverse, I’m afraid.
you’re the spanner in the works. it’s not your fault or the school’s, it’s simply not a good fit.
but that’s a good thing. realising I’m not a freak who’ll never fit in, it’s just that this is not the place for me.
and feeling like the freak who’ll never fit in has been something I’ve struggled with my entire life. first I thought I’d grow out of it but then I grew up and it never happened.
but I’m not a freak, I’m just different, and that’s not bad. it’s taken me a long time to understand that.
because I live online where we mock the normals and we let our freak flags fly and everything is wonderful. but then you have to go out into the real world and realise there things are completely different. sci-fi isn’t cool. you don’t share common interests. even those who watch the same tv shows aren’t as into them. they keep it at arm’s lenght. how, you do that, I do not know, but they do.
and you go back to feeling like a freak. to feeling like you have to hide your geekiness.
even now when geek culture is in, they only barely scratched the surface.
actual uber-obsessed geeks are still shunned.
I used to think I was at fault, for being different,for not fitting in, like I was doing something wrong.
Now I know that’s not true, and I just want to go somewhere,work,live,somewhere where people understand that. with others like me, I guess.