I went to a funeral today.it was weird. Forgot how mass goes. Just had to get up and down when everyone else did.
A great aunt died. She was nice,though I only saw her a few times. One of my cousins got up to talk about what a wonderful grandma she was.
I travelled with mum and grandma,she asked me to come at the last minute. I agreed cause I figured she could use some help and support.
So far what I’ve done is carry stuff mostly.
But I sat at the funeral today,some people talked,and I wondered how I’d feel if it were my grandma. Sad,but mostly okay,I think. She’s old,she’s senile,even gotten kinda mean. But I’d be worried for my mum.
And what about if it were my mum. ? We werent seated together,she was in the first row with grandma and another great aunt. I sat further back with a cousin.
my health has been not-great lately, not life-threatening but worrying enough to leave me weak and vulnerable. So I’ve been really anxious and rather emotionally needy.
So thinking about losing my parents made me very sad. I wanted to go and hug my mum,but with all the people around I couldnt. I shouldve tried.
Cause then mum left to go to the cemetery. I was supposed to go but my uncle didnt take us in the end. So then mum went off somewhere else, her cousin’s house i’m guessing, and I was left at another aunt’s.
So I texted my sister about coming over to my older sister’s housecause it’s hot and she has a pool.
On the way here I was feeling okay. I had to travel via public transport so I had some pressing concerns.
But after getting here, I started worrying. Was mum coming? I thought she was. Was she okay? Would I see her soon?? Why wasnt she texting me? Should I just head home early? But what if she needs help? Am I giving up by heading home early?? And a thousand more I can’t articulate. You know how worries multiply. And it just left me with a horrible feeling in my stomach or my chest I dont know where my anxiety lives exactly.
I took a pill,but all I had was a simple natural over-the-counter one.
It wasnt working.
But headspace did. Ten minutes meditation and I felt better. The worries are still there but more distant. Like theyve been caged. Or its like putting memories in the pensieve. You can examine them without reliving them. I really gotta do it more often. I’m such a mess.
So now I know I was feeling worried about being separated, I guess just wanted some comfort after the funeral. Maybe I should’ve gone with mum to the cementery. Or at least hug her after the funeral.
I’m trying to be better about sharing. My feelings,my needs.
Trying not to get choked by everything I don’t say. It’s not that I try to be closed off and private. I just don’t know how else to be.
I see and hear some people talk about their feeling and worries so openly and I don’t know how they do it.
But I’d like to learn. To talk about my feelings. To ask for help.