RIP Chester Bennington 

I was a big fan of Linkin Park in the early 00’s. I had just become a teenager and was fighting a storm of teenage angst 24/7 and here they came, offering understanding through their angry, raw music. 

In the late 90’s I’d been a backstreet boys fan. Or I thought I was. I’ve been thinking about it and I don’t know if I actually liked them or if it was just the thing to do. Because unlike other music I used to listen to, I don’t have much of an emotional connection to them. There’s a nostalgia involved in the very intense fandom shared with other girls at the time, which I did enjoy, but I don’t think I ever liked them for themselves or the music or whatever. I liked spice girls and s club 7 but those weren’t as cool. Which is weird, you’d think spice girls and their mesaage would’ve been more popular but… idk. 

It’s not that they weren’t known or that people didn’t like them. But there was almost a cult-like devotion to BSB. 

Like a year ago, they came to chile for a concert. A bunch of school friends went. I declined. I had no interest in going. In the last 15 years or so I’ve barely listened to their music and when I do it’s like.. Oh yeah I know this song. I can remember music videos. I can remember playing with friends. But that doesnt mean I enjoy the songs. Or seek them out. While I still enjoy some spice girls song. And have some s club 7 in my work out mix. 

I also haven’t listened to Linkin Park in a while. And listening to them I do remember the angsty mess I was back then. 

Listening to angry,angsty music, going from linkin park to dashboard confessional and similar. It was a complicated time. 

Becoming a teenager was so very complicated. Everything started changing so fast and I hardly had time to figure anything out and I felt like such an outsider. Things were bad for a while. 

My music tastes have evolved since then, my angsty, emotional music of choice being florence + the machine now for example, but I can still appreciate what came before. What got me through some awful times and made me feel like someone, somewhere understood what I was feeling in a time where I sure as hell didn’t. 

As I write this I have Linkin Park on shuffle on Spotify, and “My December” just came on. I hadn’t listened to this song in over a decade. It’s not one that plays on the radio. And I didn’t quite remember which song it was but the opening chords where so familiar that they gave me intense flashbacks, as if a movie of my life started playing. 

A pointless entry 

I used to journal a lot. Then I started blogging. Kept it up for years and years. 

I think between twitter and tumblr they killed it. 

But I do miss it,cause those are not the same. Theyre both fun,useful,but not journals. Not good for long thoughts. And sometimes you need to sit down and think,and I often process my feelings through writing. I still have a paper journal but I dont write in it that often. 

It’s kinda like meditating,which I also should do more of. 

Today started bad . I woke up feeling awful. Stomach pain got me out of bed at 830 in the morning. I felt so bad. I made some food,but could quite eat it. I had to go to the bathroom to throw up,burp,rid myself of all the gas in my stomach. Eventually it felt a bit better. I ate my food. Slowly. I still didnt feel good. I started looking at options to just head home or possibly a hospital. I walked around hoping it’d improve. My sister and her boyfriend woke up. We had breakfast. I had a camomille tea. Walked around some more. It started calming down. Then I went for a shower,washed my disgusting hair and found out mum had arrived. I was pleased. Relieved. We sat down and talked for a bit. I was still worried cause I’d nearly run out of pills for my stomach. Envisioned hurried trips to the ER or maybe sobbing tales to a pharmacist. In the end,I walked in,showed the box and said I needed some more. That was it. I’d gone so far as to ask my brother to send me a photo of the prescription but it was unnecessary. The internet said they might ask and I didnt wanna make two trips. 

But after that it looked up. My stomach calmed down. I finished my book,felt a bit mad at the end. I wanted more. I read the newspaper slowly. Sat in the shadow for a bit,after some work putting up the um,umbrella? Is there a particular word for the big umbrella-like thing you get to protect you from the sun? 

I jumped in the pool,relaxed. Didnt wanna start another book.. Had some more food,and it went ok. Later me and mum had to relocate again,to my great aunt’s.  We went for a long walk. Talked a bit. Mum’s not happy here,she’s tired and wants to go home but we gotta wait till Tuesday. It’s hot and she’s stuck with two old ladies. It’s good I am here. I’ll probably have to sleep on a couch though. Probably not a great night. I have to wait till they all go to bed. 

Maybe it’s time to start a new book. Plenty on my TBR. Maybe tomorrow I can get a new one. 

I know there were some thoughts around in my head but they escape me now. 

I dont even know how mass goes anymore and more important concerns. 

I went to a funeral today.it was weird. Forgot how mass goes. Just had to get up and down when everyone else did. 

A great aunt died. She was nice,though I only saw her a few times. One of my cousins got up to talk about what a wonderful grandma she was. 

I travelled with mum and grandma,she asked me to come at the last minute. I agreed cause I figured she could use some help and support. 

So far what I’ve done is carry stuff mostly. 

But I sat at the funeral today,some people talked,and I wondered how I’d feel if it were my grandma. Sad,but mostly okay,I think. She’s old,she’s senile,even gotten kinda mean. But I’d be worried for my mum. 

And what about if it were my mum. ? We werent seated together,she was in the first row with grandma and another great aunt. I sat further back with a cousin. 

my health has been not-great lately, not life-threatening but worrying enough to leave me weak and vulnerable. So I’ve been really anxious and rather emotionally needy. 

So thinking about losing my parents made me very sad. I wanted to go and hug my mum,but with all the people around I couldnt. I shouldve tried. 

Cause then mum left to go to the cemetery. I was supposed to go but my uncle didnt take us in the end. So then mum went off somewhere else, her cousin’s house i’m guessing, and I was left at another aunt’s. 

So I texted my sister about coming over to my older sister’s  housecause  it’s hot and she has a pool. 

On the way here I was feeling okay. I had to travel via public transport so I had some pressing concerns. 

But after getting here, I started worrying. Was mum coming? I thought she was. Was she okay? Would I see her soon?? Why wasnt she texting me? Should I just head home early? But what if she needs help? Am I giving up by heading home early?? And a thousand more I can’t articulate. You know how worries multiply. And it just left me with a horrible feeling in my stomach or my chest I dont know where my anxiety lives exactly. 

I took a pill,but all I had was a simple natural over-the-counter one. 

It wasnt working. 

But headspace did. Ten minutes meditation and I felt better. The worries are still there but more distant. Like theyve been caged. Or its like putting memories in the pensieve. You can examine them without reliving them. I really gotta do it more often. I’m such a mess. 

So now I know I was feeling worried about being separated, I guess just wanted some comfort after the funeral. Maybe I should’ve gone with mum to the cementery. Or at least hug her after the funeral. 

I’m trying to be better about sharing. My feelings,my needs. 

Trying not to get choked by everything I don’t say. It’s not that I try to be closed off and private. I just don’t know how else to be. 

I see and hear some people talk about their feeling and worries so openly and I don’t know how they do it. 

But I’d like to learn. To talk about my feelings. To ask for help. 

on the war on cars

 

I just read  wired’s 9 things drivers need to stop saying and to me it sounded  a lot like the things MRA say, and I’ve also heard them very often, except for the tax thing.

I’ve seen the comparison of cyclists and women more than once and it is very apt so I wanted to expand on it a bit, as a feminist and a cyclist.

Continue reading “on the war on cars”

Fight for the future.

reset-net

Today is june 5th. 182 years was the june rebellion in which hundreds of students rose up to fight for a better world, and although they basically died and failed, they were not forgotten. victor hugo witnessed this and he immortalised them in his novel “les miserables” even if they are not the focal point of it.

Today is also the day of reset the net, our day to fight back against those who wish to end our way of life. it is celebrated the anniversary of Edward Snowden’s leak, a man who has become the iconic figure of what it means to be revolutionary in our time.

I’m a millenial, I’m a global citizen and I’m at home on the internet. so when it comes to causes and revolutions, this is the one for me.

Continue reading “Fight for the future.”

on first loves,crushes and self-reflection

a few weeks I was at this convention and there were a lot of breaking-the-ice games,in one of them, I was asked about my first love and I talked about this boy I knew, who was the closest I’ve felt and it was more of a HOLY SHIT SOMEONE LIKES THE SAME BIZARRO CRAP I DO. although he was really cute. but like they said in “500 days of summer” just cause someone does it does not mean they’re right for you. turns out we had similar tastes but wildly different personalities,values, etc.

Continue reading “on first loves,crushes and self-reflection”