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Fighting with quills and ravens

Welcome to my pensieve

I dont even know how mass goes anymore and more important concerns. 

I went to a funeral today.it was weird. Forgot how mass goes. Just had to get up and down when everyone else did. 

A great aunt died. She was nice,though I only saw her a few times. One of my cousins got up to talk about what a wonderful grandma she was. 

I travelled with mum and grandma,she asked me to come at the last minute. I agreed cause I figured she could use some help and support. 

So far what I’ve done is carry stuff mostly. 

But I sat at the funeral today,some people talked,and I wondered how I’d feel if it were my grandma. Sad,but mostly okay,I think. She’s old,she’s senile,even gotten kinda mean. But I’d be worried for my mum. 

And what about if it were my mum. ? We werent seated together,she was in the first row with grandma and another great aunt. I sat further back with a cousin. 

my health has been not-great lately, not life-threatening but worrying enough to leave me weak and vulnerable. So I’ve been really anxious and rather emotionally needy. 

So thinking about losing my parents made me very sad. I wanted to go and hug my mum,but with all the people around I couldnt. I shouldve tried. 

Cause then mum left to go to the cemetery. I was supposed to go but my uncle didnt take us in the end. So then mum went off somewhere else, her cousin’s house i’m guessing, and I was left at another aunt’s. 

So I texted my sister about coming over to my older sister’s  housecause  it’s hot and she has a pool. 

On the way here I was feeling okay. I had to travel via public transport so I had some pressing concerns. 

But after getting here, I started worrying. Was mum coming? I thought she was. Was she okay? Would I see her soon?? Why wasnt she texting me? Should I just head home early? But what if she needs help? Am I giving up by heading home early?? And a thousand more I can’t articulate. You know how worries multiply. And it just left me with a horrible feeling in my stomach or my chest I dont know where my anxiety lives exactly. 

I took a pill,but all I had was a simple natural over-the-counter one. 

It wasnt working. 

But headspace did. Ten minutes meditation and I felt better. The worries are still there but more distant. Like theyve been caged. Or its like putting memories in the pensieve. You can examine them without reliving them. I really gotta do it more often. I’m such a mess. 

So now I know I was feeling worried about being separated, I guess just wanted some comfort after the funeral. Maybe I should’ve gone with mum to the cementery. Or at least hug her after the funeral. 

I’m trying to be better about sharing. My feelings,my needs. 

Trying not to get choked by everything I don’t say. It’s not that I try to be closed off and private. I just don’t know how else to be. 

I see and hear some people talk about their feeling and worries so openly and I don’t know how they do it. 

But I’d like to learn. To talk about my feelings. To ask for help. 

books of 2016

I’ve been keeping track of my books with goodreads for a while now, and in  2016 I  set a goal of 100 books,which I achieved,with hours to spare.

Mainly thanks to audiobooks and graphic novels,I must say.

several of the images are from my bookstagram account @parttimerarebookdealer

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Best movies of 2016

I didn’t see a lot of movies this year. mostly just big productions that made it to the local theatre and what I managed to see at FICV

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Rogue One First Impressions

 

some thoughts I had when I came home some time past 2 am after seeing Rogue one

this is just a first impression, likely to be updated as I watch it more times

contains spoilers for the movie and for ‘catalyst: a rogue one story’

SPOILERS TO FOLLOW

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Movie review: “Fantastic Beasts & Where to Find them”

I enjoyed the movie.

like half the reason I went to see it was Eddie Redmayne, I must admit.
I’m a big fan of this dorky ginger boy.

I read the book of course, but there’s not much story there, and I intentionally did not look for much info on the movie.

so I expected to have fun, but other than that I wasn’t expecting much.
I was pleasantly surprised.

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Developing your Eye

I started a new photo challenge.

And to make things harder I decided to use a different grid, triangles,instead of the rule of thirds.

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Last year I did this good memories jar thing, and some time ago I opened it up. read what was inside.

there was a paper that said “you are not a sad story. you alive” and it caught my attention cause I don’t remember the context in which I wrote it.

I know it’a quote from the perks of being a wallflower, and I know it’s a quote that’s being going around in my mind for a while. I’ve been tempted to have it tattooed even. as a reminder.

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moving pictures

I’ve always been interested in films and their production. lately I’ve been distracted with photography but I’ve been drifting into video as well.

I’ve been reading about City Symphonies, old movies from the 1920’s that attempted to capture the spirit of a city through film and orchestra.


I’ve seen a few, they’re very old and show a different way of life, but I find the concept very interesting.

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What Fanworks Taught Me

the HP Alliance has a campaign supporting fanworks as fair use, and asked fans to collaborate with what we’ve learned through #fanworkstaughtme

I’ve been a fangirl for a very long time so the answer is a lot.

I made a video.

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