Hablemos de galletas

creo que no hay nada mas subjetivo que el gusto en la comida, pero hablemos de todas maneras.

Llevo un largo estudio de las mejores cosas dulces que venden en chile.

mis galletas favoritas son las donuts

galletas-donuts-costa-100-grs

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life and tests with adhd

(I wrote this ages ago and just found it buried in evernote.)

I was diagnosed with adhd when I was around 10 years old. I have a number of other neurological conditions and visited a lot of doctors as a kid. shrinks,speech therapists,etc. I don’t remember a lot of details. they put me on ritalin for a while, and it helped, but by the time I was in high school I wasn’t taking meds or going to the doctor anymore.

however, the administration at my school knew I was “special” so they cut me some slack.

in university I didn’t have such luck. not till near the end when one teacher sat me down and asked me. maybe I should’ve spoken up sooner. I don’t know.

Continue reading “life and tests with adhd”

the call of the sea

I live about 15km from the coast, but I don’t go anywhere near as often as I’d like. mainly cause the road is terrible, there’s traffic jams and I can’t ride my bike ,there’s no space.

But on Wesdnesday, I did go.it was fairly empty and was pretty wonderful. neither the road nor the beach were crowded, it was warm but not hot, although a bit too cold to really jump in, I just played with the waves a bit.

Why do humans like to go to the sea? What is it that calls us? I don’t know but I do know how much I enjoy. I am a pisces. and when I’m there I wonder if I might be a daughter of Poseidon.

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Out for a wander. 

I keep trying to find the right words to describe my love of cycling and its many pleasures,but I can never get them right. 

Nevertheless,I persist. 

Today I am out for a night ride alongside the Costanera, a lovely riverside promenade in my town. It’s very touristic,specially in summer,so it’s lit up with lights,food trucks,stalls, and full of people. 

I’m not the only one wandering around in a bike. There’s many others. There are also runners and walkers. 

Other days I have been both. 

Today I felt like a ride.

( And I also have a slightly sore foot)

The thing about cycling is… I feel better on my bike. Freer. Happier. Like I could do anything. Whatever is plaguing me doesnt seem so dire. 

The world doesn’t seem so daunting. 

Night rides are particularly nice. Calming.inviting.inspiring. 

Romantic,even. 

I was thinking of this Postal Service lyric, ‘out on the street,there are many possibilities to not be alone’ 

And I keep coming back to perks,thinking of ,’the lights on the buildings and everything that makes you wonder’ 

And that’s how I feel,I guess. Full of wonder and possibilities. 

A pointless entry 

I used to journal a lot. Then I started blogging. Kept it up for years and years. 

I think between twitter and tumblr they killed it. 

But I do miss it,cause those are not the same. Theyre both fun,useful,but not journals. Not good for long thoughts. And sometimes you need to sit down and think,and I often process my feelings through writing. I still have a paper journal but I dont write in it that often. 

It’s kinda like meditating,which I also should do more of. 

Today started bad . I woke up feeling awful. Stomach pain got me out of bed at 830 in the morning. I felt so bad. I made some food,but could quite eat it. I had to go to the bathroom to throw up,burp,rid myself of all the gas in my stomach. Eventually it felt a bit better. I ate my food. Slowly. I still didnt feel good. I started looking at options to just head home or possibly a hospital. I walked around hoping it’d improve. My sister and her boyfriend woke up. We had breakfast. I had a camomille tea. Walked around some more. It started calming down. Then I went for a shower,washed my disgusting hair and found out mum had arrived. I was pleased. Relieved. We sat down and talked for a bit. I was still worried cause I’d nearly run out of pills for my stomach. Envisioned hurried trips to the ER or maybe sobbing tales to a pharmacist. In the end,I walked in,showed the box and said I needed some more. That was it. I’d gone so far as to ask my brother to send me a photo of the prescription but it was unnecessary. The internet said they might ask and I didnt wanna make two trips. 

But after that it looked up. My stomach calmed down. I finished my book,felt a bit mad at the end. I wanted more. I read the newspaper slowly. Sat in the shadow for a bit,after some work putting up the um,umbrella? Is there a particular word for the big umbrella-like thing you get to protect you from the sun? 

I jumped in the pool,relaxed. Didnt wanna start another book.. Had some more food,and it went ok. Later me and mum had to relocate again,to my great aunt’s.  We went for a long walk. Talked a bit. Mum’s not happy here,she’s tired and wants to go home but we gotta wait till Tuesday. It’s hot and she’s stuck with two old ladies. It’s good I am here. I’ll probably have to sleep on a couch though. Probably not a great night. I have to wait till they all go to bed. 

Maybe it’s time to start a new book. Plenty on my TBR. Maybe tomorrow I can get a new one. 

I know there were some thoughts around in my head but they escape me now. 

I dont even know how mass goes anymore and more important concerns. 

I went to a funeral today.it was weird. Forgot how mass goes. Just had to get up and down when everyone else did. 

A great aunt died. She was nice,though I only saw her a few times. One of my cousins got up to talk about what a wonderful grandma she was. 

I travelled with mum and grandma,she asked me to come at the last minute. I agreed cause I figured she could use some help and support. 

So far what I’ve done is carry stuff mostly. 

But I sat at the funeral today,some people talked,and I wondered how I’d feel if it were my grandma. Sad,but mostly okay,I think. She’s old,she’s senile,even gotten kinda mean. But I’d be worried for my mum. 

And what about if it were my mum. ? We werent seated together,she was in the first row with grandma and another great aunt. I sat further back with a cousin. 

my health has been not-great lately, not life-threatening but worrying enough to leave me weak and vulnerable. So I’ve been really anxious and rather emotionally needy. 

So thinking about losing my parents made me very sad. I wanted to go and hug my mum,but with all the people around I couldnt. I shouldve tried. 

Cause then mum left to go to the cemetery. I was supposed to go but my uncle didnt take us in the end. So then mum went off somewhere else, her cousin’s house i’m guessing, and I was left at another aunt’s. 

So I texted my sister about coming over to my older sister’s  housecause  it’s hot and she has a pool. 

On the way here I was feeling okay. I had to travel via public transport so I had some pressing concerns. 

But after getting here, I started worrying. Was mum coming? I thought she was. Was she okay? Would I see her soon?? Why wasnt she texting me? Should I just head home early? But what if she needs help? Am I giving up by heading home early?? And a thousand more I can’t articulate. You know how worries multiply. And it just left me with a horrible feeling in my stomach or my chest I dont know where my anxiety lives exactly. 

I took a pill,but all I had was a simple natural over-the-counter one. 

It wasnt working. 

But headspace did. Ten minutes meditation and I felt better. The worries are still there but more distant. Like theyve been caged. Or its like putting memories in the pensieve. You can examine them without reliving them. I really gotta do it more often. I’m such a mess. 

So now I know I was feeling worried about being separated, I guess just wanted some comfort after the funeral. Maybe I should’ve gone with mum to the cementery. Or at least hug her after the funeral. 

I’m trying to be better about sharing. My feelings,my needs. 

Trying not to get choked by everything I don’t say. It’s not that I try to be closed off and private. I just don’t know how else to be. 

I see and hear some people talk about their feeling and worries so openly and I don’t know how they do it. 

But I’d like to learn. To talk about my feelings. To ask for help.