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Fighting with quills and ravens

Welcome to my pensieve

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anxiety

Every hurt is a lesson… 

And over the  weekend I got a lot of lessons.

Continue reading “Every hurt is a lesson… “

trying to dig myself out 

I’ve been on a slump lately,and not just cause I’ve been sick. So. I’m taking steps against it.

I went for a run on sunday. It has been a while. last time was sometime in early december, so it wasn’t my best. had to stop often. had forgotten my usual warm up and cool down routines. I did what I remembered and did a yoga video when I got back.

still, it was good to run. I went alongside the river, it was early so it wasn’t too full, the sun felt nice, it felt better to run there than to go into the woods as had been my first thought.

I don’t know, sometimes it’s pleasant to be around people even if you’re not being social. no pressure, you’re not talking or participating, it’s sort of passive I guess. I don’t think I’m making any sense.

I have been actively working to feel better. I’ve been meditating, practising mindfulness, and beginning to exercise again.

I’m also looking at mental health professionals and wondering who should I visit. (how do you choose one?)

I keep thinking I need a change. In my life. Things aren’t really working out here.

I’ve been trying to keep busy,which also helps, but I need something a little more permanent.

I’ve been working with my dad, which is a bit boring but at least it’s something to do plus dad is pretty disorganised so he could use the help. mostly it’s mean a lot of bank visits, and other small errands like it.at least I did get a lot done this week. that’s good. makes me feel less than useless.

I had to buy new underwear cause my dear mum threw mine out. They were kids’ boxer and did not meet her standards. If I had a list of ‘reasons I should move out’ that sort of thing would be on top.

I do have an opportunity  but it is quite a big change and I’m honestly not sure I’m ready for it. But I keep thinking it might be a good idea. I’m terrified but it could also be really exciting.

I keep having this feeling, this thought going around my head that I’m wasting my time, that I should be doing something but I don’t know what.

I did finish a video this week which was great cause it’s good to have something to occupy my time and mind, and it’s good to feel like I’ve done something productive.

I started sending out resumes again. I sent one to this really interesting company working on helping people be more informed when it comes to politics and the state of the country. would’ve been great. sadly,they wanted someone with more experience.

I did get asked for an interview but couldn’t go. read it late at night and it was for the next day in another city.

I’ve gotten a few like that which do make me thing I should move. I’ve been thinking about it a lot.

I’d have more employment opportunities, my insurance has a big mental health center and I could take some classes on film production.

the bad part is I’ve never lived away from home and I’m scared, it’s a really big city, and very polluted. makes me worried for my health. and my safety.

I’d have to invest in a really good anti-pollution mask, for one.

and I’m pretty much guaranteed to get at least some anxiety attacks. fun prospect.

but I can’t shake this feeling that I’m not living up to my potential.

I’m not kidding myself that moving would fix all my problems, it’d just create new ones, but it would shake me off my comfort zone and present new challenges.

I’d have new landscapes to shoot and places to explore

I can always go hide in the library. I visited last time, it was so wonderful I wanted to stay there forever.

 I just know I need to do something. Change the status quo or I’ll go mad. 

Watching adventure films

Since I’ve been sick for a few weeks, and then travelled,there’s a lot of things I left undone or half finished. I did one whole thing today, go me. 

It’s so hot it doesn’t exactly encourage me to do stuff. But I also haven’t been sitting at home so that’s progress. 

I went to the pool yesterday with my cousin. A friend asked me to go to the beach today and I wanted to go but there, were two film events I wanted to attend which cut beach-time short. Dad took me to the beach but we weren’t there for long. Maybe an hour and a half? I tried calling my friend to meet but he didnt answer. 

I did go to both film events but I was late to the first one,sadly. Only got to the end. But I did learn the filmmaker’s names to google them. It was a small selection of local shorts. 

Second one was the Banff Mountain Festival,on World Tour and on my city. 

I had like 20 minutes in between to eat a sandwich, and rush over. It was very necessary. I was starving when the event ended.. 

I’m really pleased I at least tried to go to both. Sometimes I get too anxious,too worried,too lazy and I end up not going to stuff I want to go. 

But I did go,all by myself and made some small talk.that’s another thing I’ve been trying. My one errand today was  toask  about glassess and I talked to a boy there, a trainee. At the festival there were stands and I chatted with people there. 

The festival was great. It started with a film about Douglas Tompkin, a wonderful memorial. Remembered how people here in Chile were paranoid about his true intentions. Some gringo buying half the country? What’s he planning? But I believed in him. He always seemed like a decent guy. I was very sad to learn about his passing. 

There were films about climbing,boulders and rock, summer and winter attempts at torres del paine, there was this cool short about three brothers climbing together which I thought was great. The film had this homemade quality I liked. And it made me smile that they used music from bensound since it’s a site I often use as well. Others had higher production values,clearly. Most were about mountains, though one was about kayaking and one about surfing. The one where they went kayaking also showed how the salmon industry has been polluting the country and killing artisanal fishermen. (the profession,not the people) 

The films were all very different, just sharing the spirit of adventure. They were definitely inspiring. 

All in all, a very enjoyable evening. I also took out my bike which I hadn’t done in a long time (for me) and it was enjoyable. 

I woke up in a good mood and felt little trace of anxiety today. Mild worry at best. 

A good day. 

I dont even know how mass goes anymore and more important concerns. 

I went to a funeral today.it was weird. Forgot how mass goes. Just had to get up and down when everyone else did. 

A great aunt died. She was nice,though I only saw her a few times. One of my cousins got up to talk about what a wonderful grandma she was. 

I travelled with mum and grandma,she asked me to come at the last minute. I agreed cause I figured she could use some help and support. 

So far what I’ve done is carry stuff mostly. 

But I sat at the funeral today,some people talked,and I wondered how I’d feel if it were my grandma. Sad,but mostly okay,I think. She’s old,she’s senile,even gotten kinda mean. But I’d be worried for my mum. 

And what about if it were my mum. ? We werent seated together,she was in the first row with grandma and another great aunt. I sat further back with a cousin. 

my health has been not-great lately, not life-threatening but worrying enough to leave me weak and vulnerable. So I’ve been really anxious and rather emotionally needy. 

So thinking about losing my parents made me very sad. I wanted to go and hug my mum,but with all the people around I couldnt. I shouldve tried. 

Cause then mum left to go to the cemetery. I was supposed to go but my uncle didnt take us in the end. So then mum went off somewhere else, her cousin’s house i’m guessing, and I was left at another aunt’s. 

So I texted my sister about coming over to my older sister’s  housecause  it’s hot and she has a pool. 

On the way here I was feeling okay. I had to travel via public transport so I had some pressing concerns. 

But after getting here, I started worrying. Was mum coming? I thought she was. Was she okay? Would I see her soon?? Why wasnt she texting me? Should I just head home early? But what if she needs help? Am I giving up by heading home early?? And a thousand more I can’t articulate. You know how worries multiply. And it just left me with a horrible feeling in my stomach or my chest I dont know where my anxiety lives exactly. 

I took a pill,but all I had was a simple natural over-the-counter one. 

It wasnt working. 

But headspace did. Ten minutes meditation and I felt better. The worries are still there but more distant. Like theyve been caged. Or its like putting memories in the pensieve. You can examine them without reliving them. I really gotta do it more often. I’m such a mess. 

So now I know I was feeling worried about being separated, I guess just wanted some comfort after the funeral. Maybe I should’ve gone with mum to the cementery. Or at least hug her after the funeral. 

I’m trying to be better about sharing. My feelings,my needs. 

Trying not to get choked by everything I don’t say. It’s not that I try to be closed off and private. I just don’t know how else to be. 

I see and hear some people talk about their feeling and worries so openly and I don’t know how they do it. 

But I’d like to learn. To talk about my feelings. To ask for help. 

Silver Linings

 

Today, after sitting around all day I wanted to move, and this proved…complicated.

Continue reading “Silver Linings”

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