Harry Potter’s Birthday

It’s Harry’s Birthday and today I got the 20th anniversary edition hardback. Ravenclaw, of course. It is so very pretty. I was so excited to finally get it. 

I also got a journal but it’s got movie colours. A bit disappointing. 

I wore my “books turn muggles into wizards today in honour of Jo and Harry. 

I also watched “an adventure in space and time” today. Been itching for it since the finale. 

I am very grateful they made such a movie. So people like me, younger watchers, can understand the history. It made me very emotional. Made me wanna watch more classic who.

Made me oh so excited for 13. I wish verity lambert couldve seen it. 

Its funny to think once upon a time i had no idea who she was. What doctor who was. Even as I started watching the show i didnt know. 

But now i kinda wanna be like her 

I particularly love the first Doctor’s goodbye to susan” no tears, no regrets, no anxieties… Just go forward in all your beliefs… ”

The whole damn story is super inspiring, the little show that could made by those the establishment looked down upon. 

But this particular bit of go forth and spread your wings; i believe in you, it feels… Personal I guess. 

Like he’s talking to me. And he makes me believe I can too. 

The Doctor showed me a better way of living my life. 

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RIP Chester Bennington 

I was a big fan of Linkin Park in the early 00’s. I had just become a teenager and was fighting a storm of teenage angst 24/7 and here they came, offering understanding through their angry, raw music. 

In the late 90’s I’d been a backstreet boys fan. Or I thought I was. I’ve been thinking about it and I don’t know if I actually liked them or if it was just the thing to do. Because unlike other music I used to listen to, I don’t have much of an emotional connection to them. There’s a nostalgia involved in the very intense fandom shared with other girls at the time, which I did enjoy, but I don’t think I ever liked them for themselves or the music or whatever. I liked spice girls and s club 7 but those weren’t as cool. Which is weird, you’d think spice girls and their mesaage would’ve been more popular but… idk. 

It’s not that they weren’t known or that people didn’t like them. But there was almost a cult-like devotion to BSB. 

Like a year ago, they came to chile for a concert. A bunch of school friends went. I declined. I had no interest in going. In the last 15 years or so I’ve barely listened to their music and when I do it’s like.. Oh yeah I know this song. I can remember music videos. I can remember playing with friends. But that doesnt mean I enjoy the songs. Or seek them out. While I still enjoy some spice girls song. And have some s club 7 in my work out mix. 

I also haven’t listened to Linkin Park in a while. And listening to them I do remember the angsty mess I was back then. 

Listening to angry,angsty music, going from linkin park to dashboard confessional and similar. It was a complicated time. 

Becoming a teenager was so very complicated. Everything started changing so fast and I hardly had time to figure anything out and I felt like such an outsider. Things were bad for a while. 

My music tastes have evolved since then, my angsty, emotional music of choice being florence + the machine now for example, but I can still appreciate what came before. What got me through some awful times and made me feel like someone, somewhere understood what I was feeling in a time where I sure as hell didn’t. 

As I write this I have Linkin Park on shuffle on Spotify, and “My December” just came on. I hadn’t listened to this song in over a decade. It’s not one that plays on the radio. And I didn’t quite remember which song it was but the opening chords where so familiar that they gave me intense flashbacks, as if a movie of my life started playing. 

I dont even know how mass goes anymore and more important concerns. 

I went to a funeral today.it was weird. Forgot how mass goes. Just had to get up and down when everyone else did. 

A great aunt died. She was nice,though I only saw her a few times. One of my cousins got up to talk about what a wonderful grandma she was. 

I travelled with mum and grandma,she asked me to come at the last minute. I agreed cause I figured she could use some help and support. 

So far what I’ve done is carry stuff mostly. 

But I sat at the funeral today,some people talked,and I wondered how I’d feel if it were my grandma. Sad,but mostly okay,I think. She’s old,she’s senile,even gotten kinda mean. But I’d be worried for my mum. 

And what about if it were my mum. ? We werent seated together,she was in the first row with grandma and another great aunt. I sat further back with a cousin. 

my health has been not-great lately, not life-threatening but worrying enough to leave me weak and vulnerable. So I’ve been really anxious and rather emotionally needy. 

So thinking about losing my parents made me very sad. I wanted to go and hug my mum,but with all the people around I couldnt. I shouldve tried. 

Cause then mum left to go to the cemetery. I was supposed to go but my uncle didnt take us in the end. So then mum went off somewhere else, her cousin’s house i’m guessing, and I was left at another aunt’s. 

So I texted my sister about coming over to my older sister’s  housecause  it’s hot and she has a pool. 

On the way here I was feeling okay. I had to travel via public transport so I had some pressing concerns. 

But after getting here, I started worrying. Was mum coming? I thought she was. Was she okay? Would I see her soon?? Why wasnt she texting me? Should I just head home early? But what if she needs help? Am I giving up by heading home early?? And a thousand more I can’t articulate. You know how worries multiply. And it just left me with a horrible feeling in my stomach or my chest I dont know where my anxiety lives exactly. 

I took a pill,but all I had was a simple natural over-the-counter one. 

It wasnt working. 

But headspace did. Ten minutes meditation and I felt better. The worries are still there but more distant. Like theyve been caged. Or its like putting memories in the pensieve. You can examine them without reliving them. I really gotta do it more often. I’m such a mess. 

So now I know I was feeling worried about being separated, I guess just wanted some comfort after the funeral. Maybe I should’ve gone with mum to the cementery. Or at least hug her after the funeral. 

I’m trying to be better about sharing. My feelings,my needs. 

Trying not to get choked by everything I don’t say. It’s not that I try to be closed off and private. I just don’t know how else to be. 

I see and hear some people talk about their feeling and worries so openly and I don’t know how they do it. 

But I’d like to learn. To talk about my feelings. To ask for help.