RIP Chester Bennington 

I was a big fan of Linkin Park in the early 00’s. I had just become a teenager and was fighting a storm of teenage angst 24/7 and here they came, offering understanding through their angry, raw music. 

In the late 90’s I’d been a backstreet boys fan. Or I thought I was. I’ve been thinking about it and I don’t know if I actually liked them or if it was just the thing to do. Because unlike other music I used to listen to, I don’t have much of an emotional connection to them. There’s a nostalgia involved in the very intense fandom shared with other girls at the time, which I did enjoy, but I don’t think I ever liked them for themselves or the music or whatever. I liked spice girls and s club 7 but those weren’t as cool. Which is weird, you’d think spice girls and their mesaage would’ve been more popular but… idk. 

It’s not that they weren’t known or that people didn’t like them. But there was almost a cult-like devotion to BSB. 

Like a year ago, they came to chile for a concert. A bunch of school friends went. I declined. I had no interest in going. In the last 15 years or so I’ve barely listened to their music and when I do it’s like.. Oh yeah I know this song. I can remember music videos. I can remember playing with friends. But that doesnt mean I enjoy the songs. Or seek them out. While I still enjoy some spice girls song. And have some s club 7 in my work out mix. 

I also haven’t listened to Linkin Park in a while. And listening to them I do remember the angsty mess I was back then. 

Listening to angry,angsty music, going from linkin park to dashboard confessional and similar. It was a complicated time. 

Becoming a teenager was so very complicated. Everything started changing so fast and I hardly had time to figure anything out and I felt like such an outsider. Things were bad for a while. 

My music tastes have evolved since then, my angsty, emotional music of choice being florence + the machine now for example, but I can still appreciate what came before. What got me through some awful times and made me feel like someone, somewhere understood what I was feeling in a time where I sure as hell didn’t. 

As I write this I have Linkin Park on shuffle on Spotify, and “My December” just came on. I hadn’t listened to this song in over a decade. It’s not one that plays on the radio. And I didn’t quite remember which song it was but the opening chords where so familiar that they gave me intense flashbacks, as if a movie of my life started playing. 

A pointless entry 

I used to journal a lot. Then I started blogging. Kept it up for years and years. 

I think between twitter and tumblr they killed it. 

But I do miss it,cause those are not the same. Theyre both fun,useful,but not journals. Not good for long thoughts. And sometimes you need to sit down and think,and I often process my feelings through writing. I still have a paper journal but I dont write in it that often. 

It’s kinda like meditating,which I also should do more of. 

Today started bad . I woke up feeling awful. Stomach pain got me out of bed at 830 in the morning. I felt so bad. I made some food,but could quite eat it. I had to go to the bathroom to throw up,burp,rid myself of all the gas in my stomach. Eventually it felt a bit better. I ate my food. Slowly. I still didnt feel good. I started looking at options to just head home or possibly a hospital. I walked around hoping it’d improve. My sister and her boyfriend woke up. We had breakfast. I had a camomille tea. Walked around some more. It started calming down. Then I went for a shower,washed my disgusting hair and found out mum had arrived. I was pleased. Relieved. We sat down and talked for a bit. I was still worried cause I’d nearly run out of pills for my stomach. Envisioned hurried trips to the ER or maybe sobbing tales to a pharmacist. In the end,I walked in,showed the box and said I needed some more. That was it. I’d gone so far as to ask my brother to send me a photo of the prescription but it was unnecessary. The internet said they might ask and I didnt wanna make two trips. 

But after that it looked up. My stomach calmed down. I finished my book,felt a bit mad at the end. I wanted more. I read the newspaper slowly. Sat in the shadow for a bit,after some work putting up the um,umbrella? Is there a particular word for the big umbrella-like thing you get to protect you from the sun? 

I jumped in the pool,relaxed. Didnt wanna start another book.. Had some more food,and it went ok. Later me and mum had to relocate again,to my great aunt’s.  We went for a long walk. Talked a bit. Mum’s not happy here,she’s tired and wants to go home but we gotta wait till Tuesday. It’s hot and she’s stuck with two old ladies. It’s good I am here. I’ll probably have to sleep on a couch though. Probably not a great night. I have to wait till they all go to bed. 

Maybe it’s time to start a new book. Plenty on my TBR. Maybe tomorrow I can get a new one. 

I know there were some thoughts around in my head but they escape me now.